writings!

1.
Your hands are slipping through my own.
and though i try to hold on, there are too many incoherent thoughts in my head.
please don't go away from me.
one day i'll be all better and we can forget all this.
I strive for my own perfection, yet it doesn't seem enough.
I'm small. that's good. dear god I'm small. let me stay here
i won't make a mess. I'll be a fragile little being who you can crush in your sleep.
who will watch over you and kiss your neck and whisper how much she loves you
I draw pattens on your back and wait for you to wake up.
i get dressed and do things that i think will impress you.
i don't want this to end.
I want to kiss your face with my red lips and leave little markings of where i've been.
i want to lick your sweat and give you dreams of me.
I want to put my hands in your hair and wear your clothes, just because i like to smell you.
The incoherent arguments are nothing. forget them. sleep with me and it will be fine.
Bite my lips and let me wear your sweater
Let me sit here until i'm well.
You can wipe my lipstick off your face and fix your hair that i've pushed the wrong way. you can take your sweater and put it in the wash.

But I'll still be here, waiting for you to lie down so i can whisper to you in your sleep.


2.
On these lonely nights, I fall asleep to the ghost of you
This soft form laying by my side sleeping soundly
the ghost that i kiss on the back
the ghost that i wake up next to, kissing the hollow of it's neck
But every morning the ghost of you disappears.
And every morning I loose myself again


3.
Here I am
what is going on around me
this confusion
never ending
don't give up on me
I've got a path
and I've got your heart in my pocket
But that's okay
my heart sits comfortably in your pocket
Not wanting to break out

I hear it beating in there
when you are close to me
I hear it telling me that everything is going to be okay
I lay on your chest and kiss your eyes
the ones that I have waited for
for an eternity it seems
They seem to reflect my face back at me
it's crying

And i drown in my tears
swallowing and gasping for air
The lonely nights when i look out my window
and whisper "I love you." into this little town
Does it carry to you?
Do you hear it when you sleep in your bed?
Did that whisper caress your ear while you slept by someone else?

I like to imagine that you hear me, that you can feel my carried whispers like my hand against
your cheek.



And you call me, and you come over
and we say the same things to each other.
We agree.
But i still cry
and i reach into my pocket, to squeeze your heart.

I say goodbye to you again.


4.
A ramble from  a while ago

I want to feel something
squeeze me
really
when does anything turn out wonderful and sweet?
when are you dripping with class?
alone smoking, depraved
casual
tights, small dresses, that one you were ra--ed in .
fill in the blanks, right?
it's become nothing
make me fucking feel something
Christ.
where is every emotion that i once recognized as my own?
i wish things were so fucking insanely in your face, so that I'd have no choice but to feel them.
and not think
not think of my face
my expression. my everything, that seems to silly and imperfect,
I'm going through the motions, without any real emotion to it all.
And now it's past midnight, and should have left, i should stop letting everyone down
and now it's almost morning, and I feel like having a cup of coffee and dressing all dark and looking
like a tiny tiny creature who fragily goes through life, who delicately wipes her face on her shirt
and lights a cigarette,
all the while, thinking some silly thoughts about the bones that are under her flesh and asking how they look.